Ardea herodias - THA GREAT BLUE HERON

Why do these exist? Are they barometers for how stunned people are? I have taken out about 10 screen doors and bashed my face into about 200 glass doors in my brief lifetime. I also usually apologize. I guess they provide a nice view…but seriously these things are hazards to uncoordinated people such as yours truly. Like stairs and slippery wooden floors. But that’s a whole other fail.

Daily Win: Bagels. Enough said. Did you know the first bagels were eaten in Poland in the early 1500s? Random, but great.

Macro lenses are quite epic.

Converse: quintessential hipster shoe? perhaps…but real hipsters are too apathetic to wear shoes.

It’s summer and there is nothing better than cooling off with a deliciously cold dessert. But ice cream, while being possibly the greatest invention since the Fail Whale, can still be turned foul by fail phenomena. Four of the failest are listed below.

1. Freezer burn. It’s like having stalagmites and stalactites growing from your beloved Mint Chocolate Chip.

2. Obscenely large chunks of fruit. It’s like Godzilla’s fruit salad somehow ended up in your creamy smooth desert. And you’re picking them out of your molars for the next year and a half. Flossing does not even cover it.

3. Raisins. The one food that can spoil ANYTHING. If Brad Pitt were holding a raisin I would consider him ugly.

4. Bubblegum. So what are we supposed to chew gum and eat ice cream at the same time? Dude, that’s how catastrophe’s happen. Multitasking is in a fail league of its own.

Daily Win: Toy Story 3

Eeeeeeegad. Best Movie Ever. Spanish Buzz Lightyear? Creepy baby doll? Piggy bank making a “Ham”let joke? The Martians and DA CLAW? Yeah, that was made of win.

Also, who else was sorta mistified by Buzz ending up with Jessie. I thought fo sho she and Woody were soul mates. Guess there’s gonna be another rivalry. Move over Edward and Jacob, I’m on Team Woody.

I’m pretty sure if you are living and have a Facebook account, you have at least one friend who seems to have a split personality disorder and is totally shy and reserved and moderately normal in real life but when they log onto their Facebook they seem to turn into a crappy, grocery store novel quality cross between John Lennon, Oprah, 80’s power ballad queens and Blair Waldorf from the grotesquely unrealistic TV melodramedy Gossip Girl? A small sampling of what some people tend to say on facebook:

Let’s call our hypothetical person Jabba Norris:

Jabba Norris is starting not to care anymore.

Jabba Norris: I wish we never drifted apart.

Jabba Norris just wants to die.

Jabba Norris doesn’t get why everyone but her is such a stupid idiot.

Whoooooooo there. Take a chill pill. Issues like these belong in discussions between you and the person that your status is obviously about, not plastered over my Home Page like gossip magazine headlines. Your inner angst may be attractive to brooding vampires and “sensitive guys” with random tattoos and Eminem on repeat, but it makes you seem extremely immature on Facebook. What’s even worse is the people who comment on it and make it even more awkward. Don’t encourage these attention seekers! If people seriously feel like killing themselves, then they would not post it on their Facebooks or Twitters or Blogs.

I will now make the above melodramatic statuses very funny with the addition of a few words.

Jabba Norris is starting not to care anymore about the fact that her boyfriend Edward Sparkles. He’s quite handy at raves and hello! no more nightlights!

Jabba Norris: I wish we never drifted apart. Inner tubing by yourself amidst a sea of sunburned 7-year-olds on the Lazy River is not as much fun as it sounds.

Jabba Norris just wants to die. PIGLET IS A GUY?

Jabba Norris doesn’t get why everyone but her is such a stupid idiot…a tomato is OBVIOUSLY a vegetable. Do you you put fruit on your pizza? Actually there’s Hawaiian pizza. Okay, do you make soup out of fruit? Actually, I’ve seen pear soup…SHUT UP.

Another fail: song lyric statuses. We have all seen too many people who think they are being “indie” or “deep” by quoting songs in every single one of their updates, as if they constantly applying to their life. Let’s review some of the most commonly seen ones and if they actually apply to real life.

Jabba Norris: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. (NOT IF THEY’RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT)

Jabba Norris: Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? (Okay, sure. But I don’t think my wish will come true if that Boeing 747 gets shot down by the Millenium Falcon).

Jabba Norris: I’d like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly. (Have fun. I too once believed in the mythical fat man named Santa. I was sorely disappointed when I did not receive a unicorn for Christmas).

Jabba Norris: California Girls We’re Unforgettable. (I agree. I’ve never forgotten that time I accidentally purchased the California Girls with No Make-Up On Edition of the National Enquirer. The resemblance between Lindsay Lohan and Gollum is actually quite scary).

Daily Win: Nerd Camp.

100 girls. 1 month. Smith College, Northampton, MA.

THIS IS SSEP.

So yes, I went to a science program. In the summer. It may sound like torture, but it was quite possibly one of the most fun experiences in my life. Endless, endless Harry Potter, Pokemon, Star Wars, Disney and other references. Amazing wacky shopping and lots of caffeine. All mixed in with some science work. I was kind of in heaven.

This one time…at Science Camp…

You fill in the rest.

Keep failing and carry on.

Arrivederci.

Also. Despicable Me? AMAZING. I am going to marry Gru one day.

I know this blog is usually so over-saturated with sarcasm that you can practically hear it dripping from the stalactites of emotion on your brain, but I am attempting sincerity, along with humour, in this particular post.

The reason for my sudden need to express some feelings is the fact that today my school honored our graduating class in a traditional ceremony in which friends and siblings from younger grades bid them adieu. Needless to say, it is usually a very, very tear-filled occasion. More iris waterfalls occur than a triple-header showing of the Notebook, Bambi and My Sister’s Keeper. With an Old Yeller chaser. While onions are being cut up. But, in all seriousness, this ceremony is usually a time when everything else is cast aside and the true feelings everyone has towards the departure of their friends and family are shared.

Life, for everyone (but especially Tweety Bird during Twitter sessions about Glee), is extremely hectic. Sometimes it feels as though you never have time to truly think about where you stand, what matters most and how you feel about everything going on around you. And when time finally slows enough, the feelings that were chasing after you finally catch up. This is when you usually feel most vulnerable. Sometimes in life you like you are a rock skimming the surface of your true feelings but too preoccupied with skipping along that you never dive into the water.

Needless to say, today I took a moment to truly assess what this year has meant to me and how it is nearly over. I thought about the many people that I would not see for a while. They will leave to faraway places that seem cold and unfamiliar to me, but feel like home to them. They will leave to study things that will make their minds more interesting places to live. They will move on to bigger, greater, different experiences. They will find new friends and new jokes and new momentary obsessions. They will grow up, together and apart.

In all this great existentialism (thank you Matrix! There is no spoon.) I came to a conclusion about why this year seemed to blur together and how it always seems that no time has passed at all until you struggle to remember things that happened yesterday.

Life is not the defining moments. Life is what happens in between, the grit and tears and adrenaline to move forward. It’s the split second between the traffic light changing from red to green, when both lights momentarily burn into your eyes, so that when you blink, you see two shining dots. Life is not the performance, its not the applause, its not the spotlight. Life is practicing, waiting anxiously in the wings, your heart in your throat and your eyes on the crowd. Life is not being noticed, but working in invisible diligence. Life is not the opening of a door, but the search for the key. Life is not the external praise, the explicit acknowledgment or the breakable material handed to us in the form of a reward. Life is knowing that you have worked, you have learned, you have suffered, you have shaped yourself as best you can. Life is knowing that it was you and no one else that made the footprints on the road less traveled-by.

Enough musing on my part. So yes, things that make you cry are pretty fail. Small injuries that bruise more on your pride than on your skin. Living in Canada, I have fallen many a time on a patch of ice while stilling managing to remain upright on skates. The feeling of the cold, dampening ground beneath me, couple with my increasing paranoia of anyone seeing my ridiculously comical slip-up and the pain in my tailbone was enough to make my eyes water. Also, skinning your knee. The word skinning makes the injury seem overly-superficial, but that little layer of skin can hurt so much. Having your epidermis removed in anyway is enough to get the tear ducts going.

Also, sad movies. You know when you watch the lamest Disney/Pixar movies ever with friends and you are the one who cries over the chipmunk/dinosaur/farm girl/princess/dog/cat/lion cub/sea turtle/clown fish/robot/deer losing their friend/father/mother/blanket/magical hat/clown fish son “Nemo”/dog/lover/supersuit/purple magical crayon. This is essentially me as a child. I bawled like an overexcited Justin Bieber fan who realized that he’s a girl during the movie Finding Neverland when the mom starting coughing because she was dying of tuberculosis. Since then, I have spawned a paranoia over people coughing because I somehow believe the TB and whooping cough are prevalent in our society. Hey don’t blame me. Blame all those foreshadowing coughs in movies.

Also also, when stress levels reach that tipping point where at the smallest inconvenience you break down and look like a total spazz. For instance, once I was beyond frazzled about work and such, that when I got home and was asked to toss a salad for dinner I went into a huge rant about the lettuce leaves spilling which resulted in numerous tears and a pretty crappy salad.

Sometimes, though, crying can be good. It’s opening up a can of pop and letting the pressure fizzle out. Most of the time you feel better after having a decent bawl fest as if the salty brine of your tears hath cleansed your souls as the rains cleansed the world while Noah was on the ark. Too biblical? Btw when Noach was on the ark they discovered that the unicorns they had selected were gay. teehee. Also, I’ve heard that crying is sort of the heart’s way of speaking. So that’s a plus.

Sometimes during situations where I know I should cry, and where I feel immensely sad, my tear ducts don’t seem to function and while I am mental crying my eyes out and there’s a huge lump in my throat, I cannot produce a single tear. It’s strange.

This post’s Daily Win: Hugs.

After the ceremony today, it felt like the whole school was one big group hug. There’s nothing better than a hug when you’re down or one to celebrate or simply to appreciate the other person’s being in your life. While bad hugs tend to be extremely awkward, good hugs soothe the soul 100x better than chicken soup could. I personally love hugs. So, go hug someone tomorrow, it might make their day. Or it will be awkward and you can blog about hugging fails. Sayyy that’s not a bad idea. I could talk about the awkward back pat.

Until next we fail. This fail shall pass.

An actual quote I find nice: “A hug is a handshake from the heart” -Anonymous.

That is so true. I hope I wasn’t too sappy. The humour will return!

Save the Fail Whales.

Everyone enjoys the movies. The buttery popcorn, the silver screen, Clint Eastwood’s perpetual squinty eyes and the blue people of Pandora. All great things. However, receiving your entire education solely from movies would set you up for a great and inevitable downfall (or epic fail). My friend and I have compiled a list of 150 lessons that we’ve all learned from movies. Please, enjoy.

1) Take off the damn heels before running away from the bad guy.

2) Don’t go upstairs, go outside!

3) Do not check on the children if the creepy guy on the phone suggests it. Either they’re dead or they’re not, don’t add the body count.

4) Babies are born automatically cute and 3 months old. Never gross and messy.

5) All medieval peasants somehow have perfect teeth.

6) If they say the hotel room is haunted, it’s haunted. Don’t go see for yourself.

7) Ghostbusters should always be on speed dial.

8) If someone died in the car, don’t test drive it at night! This is not the love bug people. This is the suicidal car.

9) Don’t go near the well/forest/church/nuclear plant between the hours of 20:00 and 6:00.

10) Always trust Ferris Bueller.

11) If it is under the age of 10, it is most certainly possessed. No questions asked. THE OMEN. THE EXORCIST. THE ORPHAN. Creepy kids can hurt you. Small and mighty, folks.

12) Tricycles are faster than you’d think

13) If the guy is fidgeting suggestively he is an axe murderer

14) Never take showers in hotels with creepy statuettes

15) Do not run straight if the boulder is behind, bear right or left for god’s sake!

16) If you’re invited to the chocolate factory, never eat anything!

17) It never is what it looks like. But it is.

18) Eye sex is very common.

19) Always look directly into the hidden camera before committing a murder to create a more riveting playback for the security staff

20) Childish names add extra effects. CANDYMAN. JIGSAW. PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN.

21) Stripper names are also great for villains

HORSE RENOIR and your ex-girlfriend

22) All points are moot when compared with Lindsay Lohan. DAYUM NATURE, SHE SCARY.

22) That ice cream truck is a rapist van with good humour stickers on it

24) DO NOT INVESTIGATE THE CREEPY SOUNDS. IF YOU DO YOU ARE STUPID AND DESERVE TO DIE IN ORDER TO RID THE HUMAN RACE OF STUPID CHILDREN

25) Jason Bourne is harder to find than Waldo on a Beatles Album.

26) At dances, there is always at least one person doing the robot.

27) There is always time for a randomly bisexual makeout scene to boost viewers in male 16-21 age group especially if the two female leads are remotely attractive

28) The wheelchair dude can secretly walk, but chooses not to cause he likes a challenge.

29) Looking out the window dramatically while listening to “California” or “On the Road Again” makes road trips cooler

30) In the reverse survival scale, the hottest ones die last.

31) In the reverse survival scale, the random Asian dies first cause she/he was just there for diversity requirements

32) Hot people wearing glasses = the ugly one in movies

33) When above person takes off glasses to score hot guy after suggestion by the popular, pretty girl but can miraculous still see.

34) Whenever you think the monster is dead, its not. Saying, “who’s your daddy now, bitch” will revive it faster.

35) There’s always enough space to join the mile high club on airplanes.

36) No one ever gets arrested for stealing supplies.

37) Never ever take the car; bikes are so much cooler and go 100x faster.

38) Same above, but with stealing.

39) There is no such thing as a stitch in your side when you’re running like hell from a fiery inferno that will obviously destroy the world.

40) Physics don’t matter when you’re grabbing your friend’s hand while falling out of a moving vehicle

41) Always order strawberry ice cream, it’s sexier and makes you seem edgy.

42) When in doubt, add a sex scene

43) The creaky floorboard always alerts the killer’s presence and not the fact that there’s knife missing or something.

44) Stupid blondes make good lawyers.

45) Always choose the cute, poor guy over the rich one cause chances are he has a rich relative about to die

46) The old guys are always wise. No questions asked.

47) When the dolphins leave planet earth, GET THE HELL OUT

48) Telephone booths are totally great places to change in. Bathrooms are for losers. Who wants pee on their socks?

49) Homework is not important, and university is totally negotiable in lieu of discovering your angst ridden train of thought on where you want your life to go.

50) Making mix-tapes is very indie. Ditto wearing converse and eating granola.

51) During movies you can always have a long and detailed conversation without anyone getting mad at you

52) Depth can be conveyed merely by talking. like. William. Shatner. or Ennis. From. Brokeback. Mountain.

53) Making out in the rain is fantastic, especially in your prom dress that will never dry properly

54) Farts are always funny 

55) Never play hide and seek with the kid you are babysitting. You will lose them.

56) You can take your eyes off the road for 4 minutes while having a romantic moment/in depth discussion with the person riding shotgun and you’ll remain on the road.

57) It is perfectly possible to break the fourth wall repeatedly.

58) Sideburns are always attractive and never creepy

59) Facial hair always represents inner turmoil. ALWAYS.

**cue “The Notebook”**

60) A montage of “fixing things up” is all it takes to save the family farm/restaurant/diner/business

61) The toilet is de rigueur for any situation.

Bullies.

Texting.

Escaping from Axe murderers.

Eating lunch.

Finding the portal to Narnia

62) Bad guys have the worst aim ever cause apparently they don’t cover that in bad-guy training.

63) In fights, people always run out of bullets at the same time.

64) If you wanna be fitter, run and punch large cow carcasses at the local butcher to “Eye of the Tiger”.

65) Nemo is with P Sherman at 42 Wallaby Way in Sydney.

66) When in doubt, try the doggy door.

67) A random psuedo-spanish accent will qualify for the character being from any country of non-American origin, and thusly will enforce sexy and irresistible quirks.

+1 points if the character is male and speaks like he’s straight out of Don Quixote.

68) There is no spoon.

69) Sexual innuendo is always appropriate.

70) If there is a fight going on during an orchestra performance, the person will always die right at the end of the song.

71) Hackers always type 1000 wpm.

72) Italians and Greeks always have 500000 relatives who have an affinity for pasta and lamb.

73) Chick flicks are always in an office, and the most pivotal scenes take place by the water cooler.

74) Coughing always foreshadows death.

75) Random artistic shots of fruit and pencils can help to establish setting and tone.

76) Revenge is always okay.

77) Follow the spiders.

78) Avenging your father is a legitimate excuse for anything.

79) Hands are first to go in a fight.

80) If someone sounds like they’re on a mission, let them cross the damn rickety bridge.

81) The troll under that bridge always has some sort of insane price for your soul.

82) The answer is always 42.

83) The limit does not exist.

84) If you need to run away and you’re a girl, complain about a “lady problem” and climb out of the bathroom window.

85) Jack Sparrow is the best pirate you’ve ever seen.

86) The wireless connection at Hogwarts is ridiculously slow. That’s why they use quills.

87) Parents are totally never okay with it, even if it will result in you becoming the savior of the universe.

88) However, if you are honest about your pregnancy they will totally be cool with it and never get angry.

89) If you are Asian, you will know karate. You WILL.

90) White guys can’t dance. Unless you’re in Step Up.

91) If you’re a girl, you can totally not get onto the guy’s team unless you dress up like a guy.

92) Male cheerleaders are totally cool.

93) The gay one always has the best fashion sense.

94) Whenever you say “It can’t get any worse” either a bear shows up or it starts raining.

95) Mariachi bands are always festive.

96) It always snows on Christmas, even if you’re smack dab in the middle of Dubai or there’s been a drought since Labour Day.

97) If someone is dying and they have something important to say, like the location of their will, they’ll never finish saying it.

98) Everyone easily makes 98s in higher-level high school classes.

99) If you travel back in time, you always find people who are randomly related to people you know in modern days. And also, you never manage to change the future.

100) If their name is in the title, THEY WILL SURELY DIE

101) Your life will ALWAYS fix itself

As soon as you

A) find the treasure

b) Get the criminal

c) say sorry

d) go to the new school

e) get your arch nemesis hit by a bus

 f) find a magic pair of shoes/hat/dog/mask/person/lamp

g) find love

h) see a random kid running and follow him

  i) Follow the yellow brick road

 j) Re-incarnate Miles Davis

 k) take the green pill

  l) If you listen to the underdog

102) Creepy doors always open slowly.

103) Never eat anything green given to you by a midget.

104) Children always look like their deceased parent.

105) When people have twins and the parents die and need to hide them, they send both off in different directions and give each of them half of a medallion/photo/book and they eventually reunite and connect them.

106) Divorces are never permanent.

107) There’s always a ton of feedback when someone gets up to make a speech.

108) Evil people own cats. Usually hairless ones.

109) Dogs will always lead you away from the source of the danger or to the victim.

110) The talking parrot always repeats a crucial piece of evidence.

111) The bell for summer always rings in the middle of tense moment between the main character and the oppressive teacher.

112) Summer school is always the gathering place for dweebs and spitball aficionados.

113) On Friday the 13th, it’s really a good idea to go walking through a graveyard on your way home from work.

114) Shortcuts are always the most convenient at the worst times.

115) If you rescue someone from drowning they either become your best friend or your loved one.

116) When you’re in Australia, you always either get car-jacked by a kangaroo or eat some bad vegemite.

117) Every single Australian man is as sexy as Hugh Jackman. HUGH JACKMAN.

118) When someone says “I love you until the day I die”, it is always to be taken literally. They WILL die by the end of the movie.

119) If you are on a sinking boat, its totally cool to refuse the lifeboat to hang out with your loved one for about 6 1/2 minutes before you both freeze to death/drown.

120) Even if you are losing in a game 12-0, you can still come back to win by the end of the quarter with the help of a dog/a flying “V”/some good old inspirational speeches.

121) High school forms the best years of your life.

122) When you get Chinese take-out, you must eat it in front of the TV from cartons and talk with food in your mouth.

123) Annoying guys always turn out to be tolerable when you date them.

124) Whenever you feel the need to break out into song, the gospel choir/octet is always nearby.

125) Musicians never ever need to tune in awkward moments.

126) Large apartments are always affordable to 20 somethings in New York.

127) It’s totally easy to land a plane with someone talking to you over an intercom.

128) Tough guys always whimper when woman help bandage them even after fighting 100 ninjas.

129) The hero can always make it through the pain of an injury in the last game of the season.

130) All air-storage ducts are just large enough to fit a person.

131) Claustrophobia is never serious.

132) Whenever you must jump off of something in order to get away from a bad guy, your fear of heights disappears miraculously.

133) Spiders always have a mysterious attraction to your face. Especially pet tarantulas!

134) Time always slows down when there is one second left on the bomb timer/score board/stop watch.

135) Whenever the evil person is letting the good person die a slow death they will always lock the room and leave cause they don’t want to watch and there’s no way the person could escape.

136) Old Grannies are always armed.

137) Never ever eat meat pies.

138) Vampires are totally not scary and instead make excellent boyfriends.

139) There’s never any light switches in kitchen so you have to open the fridge to see.

140) Clowns are possibly the only things on this earth scarier than Martha Stewart with a bread knife.

141) The statement “[insert name here] is a grotsky little biatch” will always remain true.

142) When rushing around to organize a Christmas trip, it is entirely feasible to forget a child.

143) Children can always survive on their own with Mac n Cheese and home-made burglary protection.

144) It’s totally normal to adopt a mouse.

145) If you wear half a mask at a masquerade ball no one can tell who you are.

146) He’s really been expecting Mr. Bond for the past 15 minutes, and he’s late.

147) Some offers you just can’t refuse.

148) In all the gin joints in all the world, the person you will soon fall madly in love with will always walk into yours

149) The villain will always have a mini-me to arrive just in time for the sequel.

150) E.T. is a really responsible alien, as he always phones home when out late.

Mother Nature just really doesn’t enjoy humans getting cocky. For instance, when the celebrities of California started ripping up her forests to build multi-roomed mansions with wrapping paper rooms for all the paper products made from the felled trees and bushes, what did she do? She burned the house down. Literally. Somebody called 911, there was fire burning in Follywood. Another instance of human cockiness is definitely the “Miss Universe” pageant. That isn’t even an insult to Mother Nature, it’s more, much more than that, it’s a declaration that a blonde woman from Delaware (nothing against Delaware) with a moderate education and an excellent complexion is the master of the Universe. I don’t think He-Man would be pleased. So yes, I am hoping Mother Nature will exercise her better judgment in this situation of unbridled hubris by synchronizing several dozens flocks of Albatross to fly across the stage during the swimsuit competition and poop on the contestants. That would be divine punishment! and good entertainment. I can just imagine them scattering as the scat hit like an A-Bomb. Screaming “my hair!” and “this swimsuit isn’t supposed to get wet!”.

Anywho the dear old Titanic. So ironic I think Mother Nature was having a good belly-laugh and “oh snap! whatchoo gon do?” moment when she sunk the “unsinkable ship” by way of large ice chunk. Seriously, the makers of that vessel were more or less asking for it when they said nothing could bring that ship down. I bet when they heard it sunk they had one of those famous “are you freakin kidding me?” moments that I have daily looking at my alarm clock. But still, they could have saved a lot more people had they actually filled the lifeboats. If the Avatar-guy’s movie was at all accurate, it looked like the first boat had about 3 people in it. I mean really? What was all the extra space for? Was it a private gondola cruise of the scenic North Atlantic? “And over there we have the magestic narwhal clan of Narwha’al. Observe this beautiful creature as it glides through the -34 Fahrenheit water. See the pointy unicorn horn? Oh shit, it appears that they have spotted us and enjoy midnight jousting matches.”

Perhaps the lovely people in the first forty lifeboats had all consumed so much of the black bean soup that they needed to extra space so that they could pass gas without projecting anyone out of the lifeboat and into the clutches of Lancelot the Narwhal. Silent but deadly. Everybody freeze and listen to the breeze while they cut the cheese. Farting gifts for the win.

My friend and I developed a better strategy for loading the lifeboats: the pancake pile. Just take the most flatulent passengers and put them on the bottom, that way they cushion the 25 people stacked on top of them. Sure we have the benefit of hindsight here, but if you were on a sinking boat wouldn’t you not suffer through a smelly dog-pile for two hours rather than try to do the Elementary Backstroke in the Atlantic? Heck, I would volunteer to be on the bottom. Pile on kids!

One other note. The band that stayed until the bitter end? Kick-ass! They rocked and there is nothing better than a great soundtrack to life’s worst moments. At my funeral I hope they play Bananaphone and that “Don’t You Forget About Me” song. And “Safety Dance”. Had I been on the Titanic at the time, I would have totally ended with either the Spongebob Squarepants theme or “I’m on a Boat”.

Whew this is getting to be a long post. Two more things, then I’m done, I promise. My other friend (yes I have more than one) told me that another large fail is being mistaken for being older than you are. As fail as this is, I must say that the reverse is equally, if not more, humiliating. I once got mistaken for the members of a team I was coaching. They were 7 years younger. Honestly? I’m not that short. Between the Green Giant and Justin Bieber, I rank about halfway. Average. Okay, enough height ranting. But yeah, age mistakes = fail. Especially if alcohol is involved.

Last item on the docket: today’s daily win. Daily Win #2: Lucky Charms or another kind of technicolour food.

It’s always more satisfying to eat something that will glow if you happen to barf it up. Like gummies. Or rainbow Chips Ahoy. Lucky Charms is approximately 7% comprised of Marshmallows and I am launching a petition to get this raised to 50%. More fluff to the ounce please. That’s all anyone eats anyhow.

Moral of the story: When in doubt, doggypile. Colourful foods = snazzy

Live long and fail.

I swear Uncle Time (because we all know that Mother Nature had a mathematical brother who enjoyed making faces) has got it out for anyone who occasionally (okay every four seconds) glances at a clock. We all know that time flies when you are enjoying yourself in slightest, be it by enjoy the handiness of your airtight snappy plastic lunch containers (so nifty!) or by finding a tester pen at Staples and drawing stunningly Riopelle-esque pictures on the price labels. However, we also all know that time flies when you are doing the only thing that you enjoy more as you reach teenage-hood: sleeping. But is time really flying? Or we actually experiencing less sleep at the hands a cruel time pupeteer who’s DVR ran out before the end of an especially riveting Judge Judy, subjecting him to boredom. Is the amount of time that we feel pass actually always the true amount of time that has passed? When we sit for 10 minutes (by the clock) in a boring lecture about noisemakers being art or art being noisy, we could actually be there for 2 days if Uncle Time sees fit. I could swear I once felt half of my childhood pass by while perusing the Good Housekeeping collection of my orthodontist’s. That was an especially memorable visit. On the plus side, I got a badass glow in the dark retainer (need a nightlight? Hah suckahs, I just have to open my mouth and bam! Chemiluminescence). On the fail side, I was there to get my wires checked after I had dislodged one eating corn on the cob. I had to sit through a 15 minute (or 5 hour time lapse) lecture about foods I could not eat. This list, plus the Good Housekeeping food sections had made me so ravenous that I was literally considering eating my retainer. And to put a nice cherry on top of the fail, after the wire was tightened, my pearly whites were so sore I lived on a liquid diet for 3 days. Yay dental procedures.

Anyhow, time lapses can also happen when you want time to slow down. For instance, when you glance over at your alarm clock in the morning or when you close your eyes for two minutes and suddenly the rooster is crowing and Aunt Jemima is parading around the barnyard with a pile of buckwheat flapjacks.  As an example I have provided an itinerary of my daily alarm clock checks (plus thoughts in italics - everybody lean to the left).

5:53: Alarm goes off. I can manage to get away with another minute and a half of shut-eye and still squeeze in a shower and finding my sweater vest in the wash. And making my minute and a half oatmeal.

Sleeps for minute and a half. Time lapses for 45 minutes. Uncle Time cackles evilly and ends up sounding like a cross between a goat and Shakira.

6:37: I am awakened by the sound of my father using up the last oatmeal package. ^T$&^T#&^#T$&#^T#&$T#^T$^#T&^!T^&@T#@&^#T@#^&T@&T#@&#T amperstands and dollar signs are so badass. but seriously. SHIT.

And this is why sneak time lapses are fail. Go do the Time Warp at your 80s party, uncle Time and leave us to enjoy our moments without your interference.

A new “feature” on this glorious tumblr of srcasm (Nothing screams mischief like vowel movements), the Daily Win. A small subsection on something fantastically uplifting. Like kittens beneath a rainbow set to a Taylor Swift duet with Morgan Freeman.

Daily Win #1: Opening new containers of stuff

Oh my goooooooosh. I adore the heavenly smell and the sense of purity and sterilized goodness that comes from cracking open a new box of cookies, a new ice cream tub or even a new containers of tennis balls. It’s just nice. Plus, if there is any ice cream stuck to the container of the ice cream thinger, it is your obligation as the opener to capitalize on such tidbits. Clean, fresh, new anything is just golden. New hoodies with their fleecy feel that’s as soft as a baby yak’s mullet. Clean white towels. Sharp pencils. I am beginning to sound like a germaphobe or just plain nerdy. Nuthin’ wrong with that :)

Don’t settle for the freezer burn! Stomp that yard! Keep winning/failing/turning off the alarm clock instead of hitting snooze! Snooze buttons are for cheaters. You need to test that internal alarm clock.

Until next we fail. This fail shall pass.

 I am always thinking one step ahead in my fails and that is where these handy altitude increasers come in to complete the pun. Who hasn’t, in their life time (although mine has encompassed two millenniums but less than two decades):

-Fallen up the stairs (tripping on their face and probably chucking all of their handhelds into the air in a stunning slow-mo fail montage from several artistic angles).

-Fallen down the stairs (socks + glossy wooden stairs do not mix). Those things turn into a literal slipping slide when you’ve got your best white cottons on and you are walking/running somewhat carelessly while leaning back. Unlike cats, humans always land on their butts, and when on the stair case of doom, you usually slide a good three trillion steps before you finally hit the bottom in a resounding clunk of fail. And let me tell you, tailbone/butt injuries are the worst because they sound pitiful and they hurt like their is no tomorrow. There are certain injuries that case specific acute pains that trigger some sort of “fear of death” hormone in our bodies. For example, jamming a finger on basketball, jamming a finger in a car door, stubbing a toe on a door jam and landing on your butt at a high velocity. I have had so many bad experiences with tailbone bruising that make you walk like a cowboy who really has to pee. And when people ask you why you’re limping, you smile all martyrlike and state “I pulled my hamstring”. While they figure out where the hamstring is, you shuffle off to your next destination.

-Thinking that there is one more step at the top of the stairs than there is. And then there’s that sickening swoop and woosh of nothingness as your foot falls where the next step should have been. This feeling beats out any roller-coaster in terrifyingness. I have fully believed I was falling off the side of Kilimanjaro when actually my foot was descending through about 30cm of air. Still. Scary.

-Thinking there is one less step at the top of the stairs than there is. Same concept, difference scenario. You either bash your foot into the magically-appeared step and groan as you feel every muscle in your leg reverberate like a cymbal or you face plant over the step. Equally painful. Equally Fail.

-Losing your rhythm while descending the stairs and nearly tripping. At my old school there were long, long staircases. I’m not talking 20 steps each, these things could easily have had 100 steps a set and there were three sets in total. When stampeding down these steps of doom towards the recess yard, it was vital to maintain the one-two-one-two mantra or else panic, over count and second guess yourself, grabbing onto the banister like a fool and stopping to calm yourself from the horrific adventure. Man: 0. Stairs: 1.

So there you have it, 5 excellent scenarios, all of which I experience on a regular basis, in which stairs are both terrifying and fail. Escalators, however, are win. Nothing beats the bad-ass feeling of kicking it vice-versa and going up the down escalator and down the up escalator.

Fail + Win = Life in general. It evens out.