Everyone enjoys the movies. The buttery popcorn, the silver screen, Clint Eastwood’s perpetual squinty eyes and the blue people of Pandora. All great things. However, receiving your entire education solely from movies would set you up for a great and inevitable downfall (or epic fail). My friend and I have compiled a list of 150 lessons that we’ve all learned from movies. Please, enjoy.
1) Take off the damn heels before running away from the bad guy.
2) Don’t go upstairs, go outside!
3) Do not check on the children if the creepy guy on the phone suggests it. Either they’re dead or they’re not, don’t add the body count.
4) Babies are born automatically cute and 3 months old. Never gross and messy.
5) All medieval peasants somehow have perfect teeth.
6) If they say the hotel room is haunted, it’s haunted. Don’t go see for yourself.
7) Ghostbusters should always be on speed dial.
8) If someone died in the car, don’t test drive it at night! This is not the love bug people. This is the suicidal car.
9) Don’t go near the well/forest/church/nuclear plant between the hours of 20:00 and 6:00.
10) Always trust Ferris Bueller.
11) If it is under the age of 10, it is most certainly possessed. No questions asked. THE OMEN. THE EXORCIST. THE ORPHAN. Creepy kids can hurt you. Small and mighty, folks.
12) Tricycles are faster than you’d think
13) If the guy is fidgeting suggestively he is an axe murderer
14) Never take showers in hotels with creepy statuettes
15) Do not run straight if the boulder is behind, bear right or left for god’s sake!
16) If you’re invited to the chocolate factory, never eat anything!
17) It never is what it looks like. But it is.
18) Eye sex is very common.
19) Always look directly into the hidden camera before committing a murder to create a more riveting playback for the security staff
20) Childish names add extra effects. CANDYMAN. JIGSAW. PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN.
21) Stripper names are also great for villains
HORSE RENOIR and your ex-girlfriend
22) All points are moot when compared with Lindsay Lohan. DAYUM NATURE, SHE SCARY.
22) That ice cream truck is a rapist van with good humour stickers on it
24) DO NOT INVESTIGATE THE CREEPY SOUNDS. IF YOU DO YOU ARE STUPID AND DESERVE TO DIE IN ORDER TO RID THE HUMAN RACE OF STUPID CHILDREN
25) Jason Bourne is harder to find than Waldo on a Beatles Album.
26) At dances, there is always at least one person doing the robot.
27) There is always time for a randomly bisexual makeout scene to boost viewers in male 16-21 age group especially if the two female leads are remotely attractive
28) The wheelchair dude can secretly walk, but chooses not to cause he likes a challenge.
29) Looking out the window dramatically while listening to “California” or “On the Road Again” makes road trips cooler
30) In the reverse survival scale, the hottest ones die last.
31) In the reverse survival scale, the random Asian dies first cause she/he was just there for diversity requirements
32) Hot people wearing glasses = the ugly one in movies
33) When above person takes off glasses to score hot guy after suggestion by the popular, pretty girl but can miraculous still see.
34) Whenever you think the monster is dead, its not. Saying, “who’s your daddy now, bitch” will revive it faster.
35) There’s always enough space to join the mile high club on airplanes.
36) No one ever gets arrested for stealing supplies.
37) Never ever take the car; bikes are so much cooler and go 100x faster.
38) Same above, but with stealing.
39) There is no such thing as a stitch in your side when you’re running like hell from a fiery inferno that will obviously destroy the world.
40) Physics don’t matter when you’re grabbing your friend’s hand while falling out of a moving vehicle
41) Always order strawberry ice cream, it’s sexier and makes you seem edgy.
42) When in doubt, add a sex scene
43) The creaky floorboard always alerts the killer’s presence and not the fact that there’s knife missing or something.
44) Stupid blondes make good lawyers.
45) Always choose the cute, poor guy over the rich one cause chances are he has a rich relative about to die
46) The old guys are always wise. No questions asked.
47) When the dolphins leave planet earth, GET THE HELL OUT
48) Telephone booths are totally great places to change in. Bathrooms are for losers. Who wants pee on their socks?
49) Homework is not important, and university is totally negotiable in lieu of discovering your angst ridden train of thought on where you want your life to go.
50) Making mix-tapes is very indie. Ditto wearing converse and eating granola.
51) During movies you can always have a long and detailed conversation without anyone getting mad at you
52) Depth can be conveyed merely by talking. like. William. Shatner. or Ennis. From. Brokeback. Mountain.
53) Making out in the rain is fantastic, especially in your prom dress that will never dry properly
54) Farts are always funny
55) Never play hide and seek with the kid you are babysitting. You will lose them.
56) You can take your eyes off the road for 4 minutes while having a romantic moment/in depth discussion with the person riding shotgun and you’ll remain on the road.
57) It is perfectly possible to break the fourth wall repeatedly.
58) Sideburns are always attractive and never creepy
59) Facial hair always represents inner turmoil. ALWAYS.
**cue “The Notebook”**
60) A montage of “fixing things up” is all it takes to save the family farm/restaurant/diner/business
61) The toilet is de rigueur for any situation.
Escaping from Axe murderers.
Finding the portal to Narnia
62) Bad guys have the worst aim ever cause apparently they don’t cover that in bad-guy training.
63) In fights, people always run out of bullets at the same time.
64) If you wanna be fitter, run and punch large cow carcasses at the local butcher to “Eye of the Tiger”.
65) Nemo is with P Sherman at 42 Wallaby Way in Sydney.
66) When in doubt, try the doggy door.
67) A random psuedo-spanish accent will qualify for the character being from any country of non-American origin, and thusly will enforce sexy and irresistible quirks.
+1 points if the character is male and speaks like he’s straight out of Don Quixote.
68) There is no spoon.
69) Sexual innuendo is always appropriate.
70) If there is a fight going on during an orchestra performance, the person will always die right at the end of the song.
71) Hackers always type 1000 wpm.
72) Italians and Greeks always have 500000 relatives who have an affinity for pasta and lamb.
73) Chick flicks are always in an office, and the most pivotal scenes take place by the water cooler.
74) Coughing always foreshadows death.
75) Random artistic shots of fruit and pencils can help to establish setting and tone.
76) Revenge is always okay.
77) Follow the spiders.
78) Avenging your father is a legitimate excuse for anything.
79) Hands are first to go in a fight.
80) If someone sounds like they’re on a mission, let them cross the damn rickety bridge.
81) The troll under that bridge always has some sort of insane price for your soul.
82) The answer is always 42.
83) The limit does not exist.
84) If you need to run away and you’re a girl, complain about a “lady problem” and climb out of the bathroom window.
85) Jack Sparrow is the best pirate you’ve ever seen.
86) The wireless connection at Hogwarts is ridiculously slow. That’s why they use quills.
87) Parents are totally never okay with it, even if it will result in you becoming the savior of the universe.
88) However, if you are honest about your pregnancy they will totally be cool with it and never get angry.
89) If you are Asian, you will know karate. You WILL.
90) White guys can’t dance. Unless you’re in Step Up.
91) If you’re a girl, you can totally not get onto the guy’s team unless you dress up like a guy.
92) Male cheerleaders are totally cool.
93) The gay one always has the best fashion sense.
94) Whenever you say “It can’t get any worse” either a bear shows up or it starts raining.
95) Mariachi bands are always festive.
96) It always snows on Christmas, even if you’re smack dab in the middle of Dubai or there’s been a drought since Labour Day.
97) If someone is dying and they have something important to say, like the location of their will, they’ll never finish saying it.
98) Everyone easily makes 98s in higher-level high school classes.
99) If you travel back in time, you always find people who are randomly related to people you know in modern days. And also, you never manage to change the future.
100) If their name is in the title, THEY WILL SURELY DIE
101) Your life will ALWAYS fix itself
As soon as you
A) find the treasure
b) Get the criminal
c) say sorry
d) go to the new school
e) get your arch nemesis hit by a bus
f) find a magic pair of shoes/hat/dog/mask/person/lamp
g) find love
h) see a random kid running and follow him
i) Follow the yellow brick road
j) Re-incarnate Miles Davis
k) take the green pill
l) If you listen to the underdog
102) Creepy doors always open slowly.
103) Never eat anything green given to you by a midget.
104) Children always look like their deceased parent.
105) When people have twins and the parents die and need to hide them, they send both off in different directions and give each of them half of a medallion/photo/book and they eventually reunite and connect them.
106) Divorces are never permanent.
107) There’s always a ton of feedback when someone gets up to make a speech.
108) Evil people own cats. Usually hairless ones.
109) Dogs will always lead you away from the source of the danger or to the victim.
110) The talking parrot always repeats a crucial piece of evidence.
111) The bell for summer always rings in the middle of tense moment between the main character and the oppressive teacher.
112) Summer school is always the gathering place for dweebs and spitball aficionados.
113) On Friday the 13th, it’s really a good idea to go walking through a graveyard on your way home from work.
114) Shortcuts are always the most convenient at the worst times.
115) If you rescue someone from drowning they either become your best friend or your loved one.
116) When you’re in Australia, you always either get car-jacked by a kangaroo or eat some bad vegemite.
117) Every single Australian man is as sexy as Hugh Jackman. HUGH JACKMAN.
118) When someone says “I love you until the day I die”, it is always to be taken literally. They WILL die by the end of the movie.
119) If you are on a sinking boat, its totally cool to refuse the lifeboat to hang out with your loved one for about 6 1/2 minutes before you both freeze to death/drown.
120) Even if you are losing in a game 12-0, you can still come back to win by the end of the quarter with the help of a dog/a flying “V”/some good old inspirational speeches.
121) High school forms the best years of your life.
122) When you get Chinese take-out, you must eat it in front of the TV from cartons and talk with food in your mouth.
123) Annoying guys always turn out to be tolerable when you date them.
124) Whenever you feel the need to break out into song, the gospel choir/octet is always nearby.
125) Musicians never ever need to tune in awkward moments.
126) Large apartments are always affordable to 20 somethings in New York.
127) It’s totally easy to land a plane with someone talking to you over an intercom.
128) Tough guys always whimper when woman help bandage them even after fighting 100 ninjas.
129) The hero can always make it through the pain of an injury in the last game of the season.
130) All air-storage ducts are just large enough to fit a person.
131) Claustrophobia is never serious.
132) Whenever you must jump off of something in order to get away from a bad guy, your fear of heights disappears miraculously.
133) Spiders always have a mysterious attraction to your face. Especially pet tarantulas!
134) Time always slows down when there is one second left on the bomb timer/score board/stop watch.
135) Whenever the evil person is letting the good person die a slow death they will always lock the room and leave cause they don’t want to watch and there’s no way the person could escape.
136) Old Grannies are always armed.
137) Never ever eat meat pies.
138) Vampires are totally not scary and instead make excellent boyfriends.
139) There’s never any light switches in kitchen so you have to open the fridge to see.
140) Clowns are possibly the only things on this earth scarier than Martha Stewart with a bread knife.
141) The statement “[insert name here] is a grotsky little biatch” will always remain true.
142) When rushing around to organize a Christmas trip, it is entirely feasible to forget a child.
143) Children can always survive on their own with Mac n Cheese and home-made burglary protection.
144) It’s totally normal to adopt a mouse.
145) If you wear half a mask at a masquerade ball no one can tell who you are.
146) He’s really been expecting Mr. Bond for the past 15 minutes, and he’s late.
147) Some offers you just can’t refuse.
148) In all the gin joints in all the world, the person you will soon fall madly in love with will always walk into yours
149) The villain will always have a mini-me to arrive just in time for the sequel.
150) E.T. is a really responsible alien, as he always phones home when out late.